How should a gentleman fight with his woman?
Some of you are thinking a gentleman shouldn't fight with his woman at all. Others of you have accepted that, at least in your relationship, fights are inevitable and you're just wondering how to get to the other side of them without feeling like you took a vacation from being a gentleman. Either way, we can all agree that very few people are talking about this and it would be nice if we talked about it more. We know it's good to hold doors for women, give them our seats on public transportation, and lift heavy things for them, but what do we do when we disagree with them about a very tense and important subject? In my view, the standard gentlemanly platitude, "the man is always wrong" is just not going to do it here.
As before, Esquire magazine's May 2011 guide to marriage comes to the rescue, this time with a "philosophy of fighting." Two of the important takeaways for me:
1. Part of the reason we don't like fighting is that it shows us a side of ourselves we don't like. This side is always there, but it gets forced out of hiding in really ugly, deeply personal battles with someone we care about intensely.
2. When we fight, we're fighting for power, but if the fight is healthy, it should be about making sure our power is equal to, and not more than, our partner's.
Regarding the first point, I think it's salutary to realize, and ultimately accept, that we're capable of some pretty dirty tricks and fatal blows. The same "opposites attract" situation that brings this fact to light, however, can also serve as a vehicle for mitigating it. If you're a spendthrift and your lady's a saver or one of you has a rough personality and the other is gentle, you can, at least in theory and perhaps with professional counseling, help each other: The spender can help the saver lighten up while the saver encourages responsibility; the rough can toughen up the smooth while the gentle inspires a softer touch. But this process happens through getting annoyed, getting angry, hurting and getting hurt, and, most importantly, forgiving. You change because staying the same affects someone you love.
On the second point, I don't think any of us really wants to have more power than the person we deeply cherish; we just get afraid that if we don't protect our power, we'll end up with less. I remember not wanting to tell my girlfriend that something she did hurt me because if she ever wanted to hurt me, she could do it again. I was startled to discover that she couldn't care less about the quasi-Kantian, golden-rule bullshit I was giving her and was far more moved to love me better simply by hearing she'd hurt my feelings.
So here's what I think we have to do. We have to learn to give our partner power. When I admitted my girlfriend hurt me, this is what I was, in effect, doing. She could have taken this power -- for example, storing the information and using against me later, just as I had feared. But she gave it back: She listened, understood, apologized, and promised to work on the tendency that inspired the action. Of course, this only works if our partner is open, wants us to be happy, and knows how to respond to being given power. So we need to make a pact with our woman to give and give back power in both directions. It's scary, but it's the only way. Anything less is just dating for fun.
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
270 Seconds to a Better Marriage
This month's Esquire (May 2011) has a cluster of features on marriage, being a good husband, and so on, many of which are interesting and helpful. Among these is an insert on page 152 offering a baby step approach to improving the marriage relationship from the guy's perspective. It takes less than five minutes and works like this:
In the morning, as soon as you (the guy) wake up, spend ninety seconds giving your wife the "greatest good morning possible": I love you truly, madly, deeply, etc. If she's asleep? No difference; "she'll hear you anyway."
Then, after work or anytime you've been away for at least two hours, give her your full, undivided attention for ninety seconds before you do anything else. "If she's happy, you go happy; if she's low, you go low. Look in her eyes long enough to discern her eye color. This says I value you; I need you."
Last, spend ninety seconds engaging her sometime during the final half hour before bed. In this moment, "do not talk about children, money, or work. Don't talk about the past at all. Look at her, stroke her hair, snuggle up to her, tell her you love her."
Voila.
Now, this, I think, should work. My reasons are two. First, no one is suggesting that we men do this 270 seconds per day and no more; rather, the idea is that it's very easy to go whole days without really paying attention to your wife and that this is bad for marriages. If we do the 270, though, we'll never be in danger of accidentally giving our marriages this kiss of death. Our wives will never feel that "you never talk/listen/pay attention to me." This alone is worth the price of the magazine (or a decade subscription, for that matter).
The second reason I think this approach should work is that the 270 seconds would tell us how much more of this direct attention is necessary on a given occasion. On some days, the "I care" communicated in the 270 might be sufficient to help our wives feel loved, rendering palatable the fact that we have to dash off subsequently and accomplish something. On the other days, the 270 would tell us what else we need to do to love our wives properly, presumably resulting in their appreciation and keeping the relationship rewarding for both parties.
Now, to me, the middle ninety seconds seems the toughest. Focusing on our women right before bed is a no-brainer, right? After all, it's half the reason we're in the bed to begin with. The 90 second "good morning" is not quite as easy, but still very doable, even pavlovian: It becomes the first and most important of the many things we do to start our day and, before long, we're experts.
But right after being apart for a substantial portion of the day? Who knows what state we might be in. For my own part, I usually want to talk about philosophy or whatever else has been rolling around in my head all afternoon. Not the usual woman's favorite topic, even if some of them do enjoy it from time to time. Or our day might have really sucked, making it difficult to refrain from blurting this out before we find out if their day was worse. But this, I submit, is the challenge. It simply must be done. Perhaps we men could make some sort of pact to encourage each other's diligence in this matter.
In the morning, as soon as you (the guy) wake up, spend ninety seconds giving your wife the "greatest good morning possible": I love you truly, madly, deeply, etc. If she's asleep? No difference; "she'll hear you anyway."
Then, after work or anytime you've been away for at least two hours, give her your full, undivided attention for ninety seconds before you do anything else. "If she's happy, you go happy; if she's low, you go low. Look in her eyes long enough to discern her eye color. This says I value you; I need you."
Last, spend ninety seconds engaging her sometime during the final half hour before bed. In this moment, "do not talk about children, money, or work. Don't talk about the past at all. Look at her, stroke her hair, snuggle up to her, tell her you love her."
Voila.
Now, this, I think, should work. My reasons are two. First, no one is suggesting that we men do this 270 seconds per day and no more; rather, the idea is that it's very easy to go whole days without really paying attention to your wife and that this is bad for marriages. If we do the 270, though, we'll never be in danger of accidentally giving our marriages this kiss of death. Our wives will never feel that "you never talk/listen/pay attention to me." This alone is worth the price of the magazine (or a decade subscription, for that matter).
The second reason I think this approach should work is that the 270 seconds would tell us how much more of this direct attention is necessary on a given occasion. On some days, the "I care" communicated in the 270 might be sufficient to help our wives feel loved, rendering palatable the fact that we have to dash off subsequently and accomplish something. On the other days, the 270 would tell us what else we need to do to love our wives properly, presumably resulting in their appreciation and keeping the relationship rewarding for both parties.
Now, to me, the middle ninety seconds seems the toughest. Focusing on our women right before bed is a no-brainer, right? After all, it's half the reason we're in the bed to begin with. The 90 second "good morning" is not quite as easy, but still very doable, even pavlovian: It becomes the first and most important of the many things we do to start our day and, before long, we're experts.
But right after being apart for a substantial portion of the day? Who knows what state we might be in. For my own part, I usually want to talk about philosophy or whatever else has been rolling around in my head all afternoon. Not the usual woman's favorite topic, even if some of them do enjoy it from time to time. Or our day might have really sucked, making it difficult to refrain from blurting this out before we find out if their day was worse. But this, I submit, is the challenge. It simply must be done. Perhaps we men could make some sort of pact to encourage each other's diligence in this matter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
