Gentlemanly Fighting

How should a gentleman fight with his woman?

Some of you are thinking a gentleman shouldn't fight with his woman at all. Others of you have accepted that, at least in your relationship, fights are inevitable and you're just wondering how to get to the other side of them without feeling like you took a vacation from being a gentleman. Either way, we can all agree that very few people are talking about this and it would be nice if we talked about it more. We know it's good to hold doors for women, give them our seats on public transportation, and lift heavy things for them, but what do we do when we disagree with them about a very tense and important subject? In my view, the standard gentlemanly platitude, "the man is always wrong" is just not going to do it here.

As before, Esquire magazine's May 2011 guide to marriage comes to the rescue, this time with a "philosophy of fighting." Two of the important takeaways for me:

1. Part of the reason we don't like fighting is that it shows us a side of ourselves we don't like. This side is always there, but it gets forced out of hiding in really ugly, deeply personal battles with someone we care about intensely.

2. When we fight, we're fighting for power, but if the fight is healthy, it should be about making sure our power is equal to, and not more than, our partner's.

Regarding the first point, I think it's salutary to realize, and ultimately accept, that we're capable of some pretty dirty tricks and fatal blows. The same "opposites attract" situation that brings this fact to light, however, can also serve as a vehicle for mitigating it. If you're a spendthrift and your lady's a saver or one of you has a rough personality and the other is gentle, you can, at least in theory and perhaps with professional counseling, help each other: The spender can help the saver lighten up while the saver encourages responsibility; the rough can toughen up the smooth while the gentle inspires a softer touch. But this process happens through getting annoyed, getting angry, hurting and getting hurt, and, most importantly, forgiving. You change because staying the same affects someone you love.

On the second point, I don't think any of us really wants to have more power than the person we deeply cherish; we just get afraid that if we don't protect our power, we'll end up with less. I remember not wanting to tell my girlfriend that something she did hurt me because if she ever wanted to hurt me, she could do it again. I was startled to discover that she couldn't care less about the quasi-Kantian, golden-rule bullshit I was giving her and was far more moved to love me better simply by hearing she'd hurt my feelings.

So here's what I think we have to do. We have to learn to give our partner power. When I admitted my girlfriend hurt me, this is what I was, in effect, doing. She could have taken this power -- for example, storing the information and using against me later, just as I had feared. But she gave it back: She listened, understood, apologized, and promised to work on the tendency that inspired the action. Of course, this only works if our partner is open, wants us to be happy, and knows how to respond to being given power. So we need to make a pact with our woman to give and give back power in both directions. It's scary, but it's the only way. Anything less is just dating for fun.